Well...  Life is a bit better.  Still got work every week and for some insane reason they love me to bits.  I tend to miss service, but hey, I get to see smiles on every body's faces AND make a bit of profit from it.

Finally got the flux core settings down.  That was a hastle in a half.  Butt joint proficiency here I come!

Well...  Guess I'll go.   Until next time!

Reality

     I just realized why I can't write the blogs.  Why I can hardly even seem to get out of bed.  This will not be a fuzzy feely entry like the rest.  Don't expect one.  If it turns people away then fine, so be it.
     June 1 will be a year.  A year since my send off which would rip myself away from my kid and the woman that, although I doubt that she still loves me, I still love.  Away from everything familiar.  Away from everything that mattered.  Johann and Noemi.  Yeah, housing and stability mattered to but not so much.
     It would mark the day when she would start flipping out everyday until September when we broke up.  It would mark the day when the 3 day trip to Seattle was marked with me unexpectedly breaking down in tears, the trip I would be making because of the lack of resources to provide for myself, Johann, and Noemi in Dallas.  It would mark the day that Noemi lost what little faith in me that she had and she would start pushing things to the end.  It marked the day that for about six months I was unstable.  Hell; I'm still unstable.
     It would also mark the day when human touch would end for the most part.  The day I essentially became an untouchable again.  The day when I became not good enough.  The day that Broke me.
     It would mark the day when I would learn completely why my grandmother never mingled us with the rest of the family.  What she protected us from.  The day I would begin to learn that I truly have no family, no people, nobody I can truly reach out to.
     The purpose of this blog was to focus on the positives of my life.  To try to make a turn around in my mentality.  To focus on what is bright about my life and where I am going.  However; it's important that there is a balance to.  The truth is, in three days it will mark when I started to be not good enough again, not that I ever was.  The beginning when I would fully realize that I have led a life in which I do not fit; and truthfully probably never will.
     I may focus on the positives in most of my blogs and because of the purpose of this blog I probably will in future blogs.  However; the truth is I am not happy.  I have not been happy for a very long time.  I probably will not be happy for a very long time yet.  I am tired.  I have been fighting not only for my life since I was 32 but trying to figure out how to live.  A man gets tired of fighting after awhile.
     I have days where I am alright.  Truth is most days I am depressed but deal with it.  However; I also have days when I feel like sleeping for the rest of my life and never getting up.  The truth is, to a great degree now I fight and scrape not because I truly want to now but to a great degree because I know nothing else.  I see no permanent improvement in my life.  Because I never got over Noemi I self sabotage all hopes of a healthy relationship without even trying.  She and Johann were the reasons I was striving, the reasons I came to this God forsaken town of disrespect and malice in the first damn place.  Now she is no longer a reality relationship wise (unless things change in that department and I doubt they will) and if history is any teacher Johann is soon to follow.
     No, I am not happy.  As I said, I don't see myself happy for a very long time if ever.  I'm sorry that this is not one of the fuzzy fluffy entries.  I'm not in a fuzzy fluffy mood.

Appologies 2

I know that I have promised a blog.  However; I have been SO busy.  I will post tom,orrow though.  Apologies again for the inconvenience.

Apologies

I know that I promised a post tonight.  However, I forgot that the computer room closes at 10:00 tonight.  Therefore; I will have to write it tonight and post it tomorrow.  It'll be timed and dated tonight though.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Settling in

     Well...  Had my first meeting with my caseworker today.  Interesting.  I need 3 forms of documentation that prove I was not receiving income upon entering the compass center.  From worksource (those of you from Texas will know it better as the Workforce Commission), DSHS, and Social Security.  I will probably end up getting the letter from DSHS tomorrow since the one from Social Security will prove to be a pain and I have a meeting with a substance abuse counselor tomorrow at 1:00.  Yes, so many hoops to jump through my first week.  However; I've come WAY too far to stop now.  I was assured that it sounds much more painful than it actually is.  Lets hope that is the case.
     On the brighter side; I have started arrangements to get an appointment to see the dentists. I hate the idea of the long needle; but, I know that it needs to come out.  It's not hurting right now; but, will eventually.  I will brave my fear of needles and do what I need to do.  Also; I caught a bit of flak last night for using my own phone number.  Since I am coming in after cerfew hours I have to tell them where I'm going yadda yaddda ya.  Should be eased up on tomorrow though when I submit my school schedule.

     On the even brighter side, you are now looking at the new employee of the First Presbyterian Church of Seattle.  It all started last Sunday when I helped out in the kitchen.  The Holy Spirit told me I needed to check out what was going on; so I did.  Turned out there were two ladies, one of their husbands, and a new member; woking their tails off woefully behind schedule.  For details refer to http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6338136428812215737#editor/target=post;postID=63839147127919324;onPublishedMenu=overview;onClosedMenu=overview;postNum=3;src=postname .  Anyways; the head of operations was extremely impressed to say the least.  He also has many of my views towards food service and plans to make some changes, some more dramatic than others, that I actually like.
     Just Finished writing chapter 3 in Illegal Refugees and should start typing it soon.  Those of you that don't know; it's being released chapter by chapter at anglasia.blogspot.com .  I will try to make this the last complication of the story; but, I've heard no complaints yet.

Firtst Wakeup

     Well...  First morning at the Compass Center.  Getting used to the new environment.  Hell; getting used to being crodial before my first cup of coffee.
     Pretty nice people so far.  Welcoming.  They give me my space; but, not too much.  And yes; I'm writing this while working on my morning coffee.
     Woke up around 8:30-9:00.  Apparently my body is just used to waking up early.  I gotta work on that--  or not.  Haven't decided yet.
     My whole body actually wasn't hurting when I got up.  That's a VERY nice change of pace.  Also forgot to make the bed.  Oh well; I really do have to work on that.

Finally! The bed!

     Well....  I'm in!  I am now a member of the Compass Center Pioneer Square Men's Program!  And yes, I'm still trying to absorb all that.  Bed, dresser, all that!  Movin' on up!

Catch up time

     It's been awhile since I've written an entry; so, I guess it's about time.  Apologies.  Just been busy busy busy.
     The biggest thing I guess is that my transitiopnal housing has finaly pushed through.  I report to The Compass Center at 1:00 on monday (tomorrow) for intake.  I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that I will be in a bed tomorrow evening.  People say that I'm not excited.  It's just surreal.  This conseidering that I've been homeless as of April of last year.  Granted, I had to charge up my caseworker essentially to get it.  I don't feel to good about that part; but, at least I got it.
     I almost hate to leave my camp mates.  They're actually the cream of the crop.  When the bible speaks of the world not being worthy of people; I'm prwetty sure these were the ones it was speaking of.  I'll probably leave them my bedding.  They need it more than me.
     I was informed two days ago that I am somewhat unapproachable.  Thinking hard, this may actually be true.  It's something I need to work on.  Been through a lot.  The hard shell needs to soften, if just a bit.
     I got to work in the kitchen today with two of the most talented ladies I have ever had the benefit of working with.  Man, these ladies did the work that it normally takes about 4 full grown men to do!  Mansour's wife and some other lady did an awesome job!  Spaghetti and meat with a twist!  All I did was help set up the Wentworth Room (Fellowship Hall) and tear it down.  they did the rest, and stuffed a very hungry southern boy.
     Well...  It's been awhile.I will try to make more entries.  Been busy busy busy.  With school and keeping my head above water, it's amazing I even have time to breathe!
     Until next time.

Things are definitely looking up.  Way slower than I would like; but still....

Last week I broke a fight up at the FPC Seattle.  I just did what I do.  What I've done for pretty much all of my adult life.  The leadership and membership don't seem to see it this way.  I'm not quite use to being a hero that's recognized.  It's unusual and quite a transition from the rebel/ hero type I'm used to.  The Father does nothing without a reason.  This is no different.

Last Wednesday I filled the paperwork out for transitional housing in Compass's Pioneer Square Men's Transitional Program.  This should also definitely be interesting and my TRAC caseworker mentioned that she might be able to get me into Compass Center's Homestead Program, which would actually be even better.  My own room.  My own space.  I haven't had that for awhile.

Today we had a Korean Church worshiping with us.  That was pretty cool.  This lady cooked for her friends this egg muffin thingamajig that is popular in Korea for her and her friends and game me one.  That was the lick!

The next quarter starts tomorrow as is my birthday.  I barely squeaked past the last quarter; but I'm a bit more mentally prepared this time; which is a good thing considering I might also be employed next quarter.  In fact, I've got an interview coming up Tuesday.  I'll whip this quarter even harder than last quarter.

Well...  As I said; time to move ahead.  I'll see you at the top.

Blanket Hunt

Man, tonight started wild! I went into my storage, or tried to anyways, to find the keypad out. No way to the basement. So, I knew I needed to find 1-2 blankets and find it quick.

So, I started my hunt at the Bread of Life. No dice. However; they were more than happy to give me a night watch ticket which I respectfully turned down. My temperament right now won't allow me to stay at a shelter.

So, I went to the Union Gospel Mission. There this is dude wanted to prove himself which I turned down less than gratefully..

So, the only place left was the public camp on Alaskan Way. I have been some buddies that stay there. I thought again no dice, but there's a dude there I'd never met by the name of T. J. Told him of my plight and he gave me a coffee and a blanket. YAY!

That dude will definitely be looked after in the future.

Full House

Well... After a crazy insanely horrifically hostile dramatic week, it is now time for the week to come to a close. Closing it in the customary way, I head to The Allegro.

Well... The host disappeared downstairs leaving me to direct traffic. Robin planned it in her diabolic plan^_^. No, she's a good friend. But; that is basically what I'm doing right now. Directing traffic, finding seats, and listening to some of the best music in the State of Washington.

I hope and pray that I can help repair the damage done both by and to me in multiple ways o
In this insane week. But right now, I temporarily forget all that. It gets lost with the blast of the trumpet and strum of guitar laid to rest, at least for now, with the soothing voice of song.

Drum roll please......

I am fixing to be screened to get into the Compass Center!  I can't wait!  Diane got me an audience!  Whoop whoop!  Well... that, or I apparently impressed someone with my albeit late check in, or both.  Hard to tell on this sort of thing.

This has been a hard fight, albeit shorter than the last time I came off the streets.  A bit harder but shorter.  It involved many nights of sleeping outside, many times of being told no, figuring out which agencies can do what and taking a bit here and there, near death, learning even when I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep my brain can hardly function, etc.  It's not over yet; but, at least I can fully saee daylight now.  Yea!

I can't wait!  Will definately keep everyone updated.

New realizations, new life

My welding instructor was talking today, and she asked us some monumental questions. Who thinks of themselves differently than when they first got here? Who keeps different friends?

Anyone who's been around me lately has seen my irritation factor increase considerably about a lot of things. There's a psychological concept that when a person goes through major changes that often times so does their irritation factor. So, it got me thinking. There are many people I tolerated that I no longer do. There are many people that I once saw as too abrasive to regularly be around that I have befriended and vice-versa.

I originally thought that it was promises not being delivered. However, the first time I got off the streets the organization I went through didn't keep most of theirs then either. Truth is it shouldn't of gotten me off guard like it did. I should very half way expected it this time around.

Truth is, I transfered what was going on. Wow, and I can do this!

Cheap storage! Yay!

I went online finally to lock in my storage so that I knew I had one. For those not up on current events, I have to get a new storage because with my new schedule there are accessibility issues. Anyways, I was trippin' because I thought it would be $72 and low and behold, it'll only cost, drum roll please.... $65 every moth if I reserve now! Now to find a moving crew that will work for free.

Faith when you don't feel it seems to pay off so far. Granted, I'm not sure how I'll come up with the money but hey, I've been going step by step so far? Why would it change now?

My phone is back on!

Yay! I finally got my phone back on! My aunt and uncle are the best! My cousin who facilitated it is bad ass to! I rarely felt so releaved. It's now time to tcb!

Chillaxin' at The Allegro

Well... After I eat at the Friday Feast in the U District on Fridays I make it a point to mosey on over to The Allegro across the alley to listen to some music and to say hi to my friend Robin, the host.

Tonight was no exception on how awesome it was. I came in bedraggled and upset and ended up in the state of chill. Two bands played tonight. Man, it is awesome that the city I live I am has venues like this!

Good company

There's this lady that I like that gets on the bus sometimes that I'm on. I enjoy her company for the short time and I think she enjoys mine although admittedly probably more on my part. She's been through a lot and so have I. I find it easy to be gentle around her.

Today she was a great bit under the weather so I gave her some of the ginger tea that I'm slowly becoming famous for. I talked about Johan, she talked about her daily routine. It's always pretty pleasant conversation. I talked a bit about my routine to, which h is basically going into the library very early in the morning. Invited her to tap me on the shoulder sometime. She said she'd probably see me next week. I hope she is taking me up on the offer.

Men's Circle

Well... The leader didn't show up. Apparently he was on vacation and didn't tell anyone. So, in a knee jerk decision, I led it.

Now, he left no materials or instructions. However, I grabbed a bit of this and a bit of that and led something resembling Men's Circle at the weekly shelter. And you no what? Amazingly (even to my surprise) it actually turned out pretty good. Even with my stumbling in a few places.

For those not in the know about homeless things in Seattle, Men's Circle is a meeting held by a few men at the weekly shelter that promotes not only looking into the scripture but listening and sharing with each other thereby by result actually promoting healing.

The line was held today.

Auto Hood Revisited

I have a classmate by the name of Rachel that I know is an artist.  So; I let her doodle on my Welding hood to see what came out.  Man; it fits me perfect!!!!!!  Check it out!  Simple designs yet it came out so awesome!  We have talent in our class.

The Concept of "If I don't Protect Myself No One Will" Revisited

Well...  except for setting myself on fire for the 8th time; I had an interesting event.  I had a meeting with my TRAC caseworker, TRAC being the people paying for my college.  Apparently; I have changed since I started taking courses.

Apparently, I have mellowed a bit.  Gotten a bit more laid back.  More comfortable.  Less at the ready to fight.  Looking back; I have to admit that she was right.  In the beginning, when I told her that if I didn't protect myself nobody would, I wqas completely serious and sincere.  I'm not so sure anymore.

I dunno when it happened.  Maybe when I pulled a fellow classmate aside and finally broke down.  There haven't been too many people in my life that I could do that with.  In my life if I wasn't the strong one me and/ or others got hurt.  Therefore, no weakness was allowed to be shown, no matter how damaged I was.

Maybe it was when I almost jumped on this classmate for disrespecting me and I was pulled off by another.  He spent 5-10 minutes calming me down and God knows how much longer behind the scenes just to peacemake.  Not sure if that's a word; but, I do poetry and therefore I'm allowed to invent words.

Maybe it was when my toothache that started 3 days before my classes even started went beyond the tolerance point.  After they got over the shock of dealing with the pain that long (about 2-3 weeks into class more or less) the painkillers were broken out left all around

I'm not sure when it happened.  I didn't notice it until someone else did.  Thinking honestly though; the phrase "If I don'ty protect myself; no one will." doesn't ring as true as it once did.

Freman reaffirmed

The training top be a welder may be difficult but I can't say that I don't love it.  One reason I love this training is because this and firefighting has to be the only professions I can say that I caught myself on fire and not be looked at like I totally lost my mind.  Well....  I might just have crossed that threshold today.  I sat the chair on fire that was in my booth.  Yes, you heard that right.  The chair.  To my benefit I had a flip hoof instead of an auto one and never noticed the said victim.... Or maybe that's a bad thing.  Dunno.  Rachel high fivedd this new accomplishment and then I went back to working with 6010 rods (we are currently working with SMAW, which involves an electrode, a.k.a., rod).  6010 rods are harder to use, so when I got a bit frustrated I went back to 7018 for a bit.

Got randomly drug tested.  Of course I'll pass.  No studying required even though how they conducted it I would've had plenty of chance.  Paperwork is due at 1600 hrs tomorrow.

With the first 7 times I managed to set myself on fire I have earned the nickname Fireman.  Thank you chair, for solidifying that nick.

Intro

I've thought about posting a blog off and on.  However; it wasn't until an old school asked me to help him out with making one that I got really interested in making one.  After all, there are a LOT of crazy stuff that happens in my life.  So; here it goes.  crazylife98104.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and the real as well as the surreal.  Won't take the place of my facebook page; simply more of a journal type thing.  More personal than the snippets and news stories I tend to share on my facebook.  If interested in seeing my facebook page it's at facebook.com/kristopher.coin.  Until later!