Reality

     I just realized why I can't write the blogs.  Why I can hardly even seem to get out of bed.  This will not be a fuzzy feely entry like the rest.  Don't expect one.  If it turns people away then fine, so be it.
     June 1 will be a year.  A year since my send off which would rip myself away from my kid and the woman that, although I doubt that she still loves me, I still love.  Away from everything familiar.  Away from everything that mattered.  Johann and Noemi.  Yeah, housing and stability mattered to but not so much.
     It would mark the day when she would start flipping out everyday until September when we broke up.  It would mark the day when the 3 day trip to Seattle was marked with me unexpectedly breaking down in tears, the trip I would be making because of the lack of resources to provide for myself, Johann, and Noemi in Dallas.  It would mark the day that Noemi lost what little faith in me that she had and she would start pushing things to the end.  It marked the day that for about six months I was unstable.  Hell; I'm still unstable.
     It would also mark the day when human touch would end for the most part.  The day I essentially became an untouchable again.  The day when I became not good enough.  The day that Broke me.
     It would mark the day when I would learn completely why my grandmother never mingled us with the rest of the family.  What she protected us from.  The day I would begin to learn that I truly have no family, no people, nobody I can truly reach out to.
     The purpose of this blog was to focus on the positives of my life.  To try to make a turn around in my mentality.  To focus on what is bright about my life and where I am going.  However; it's important that there is a balance to.  The truth is, in three days it will mark when I started to be not good enough again, not that I ever was.  The beginning when I would fully realize that I have led a life in which I do not fit; and truthfully probably never will.
     I may focus on the positives in most of my blogs and because of the purpose of this blog I probably will in future blogs.  However; the truth is I am not happy.  I have not been happy for a very long time.  I probably will not be happy for a very long time yet.  I am tired.  I have been fighting not only for my life since I was 32 but trying to figure out how to live.  A man gets tired of fighting after awhile.
     I have days where I am alright.  Truth is most days I am depressed but deal with it.  However; I also have days when I feel like sleeping for the rest of my life and never getting up.  The truth is, to a great degree now I fight and scrape not because I truly want to now but to a great degree because I know nothing else.  I see no permanent improvement in my life.  Because I never got over Noemi I self sabotage all hopes of a healthy relationship without even trying.  She and Johann were the reasons I was striving, the reasons I came to this God forsaken town of disrespect and malice in the first damn place.  Now she is no longer a reality relationship wise (unless things change in that department and I doubt they will) and if history is any teacher Johann is soon to follow.
     No, I am not happy.  As I said, I don't see myself happy for a very long time if ever.  I'm sorry that this is not one of the fuzzy fluffy entries.  I'm not in a fuzzy fluffy mood.