Well... Life is a bit better. Still got work every week and for some insane reason they love me to bits. I tend to miss service, but hey, I get to see smiles on every body's faces AND make a bit of profit from it.
Finally got the flux core settings down. That was a hastle in a half. Butt joint proficiency here I come!
Well... Guess I'll go. Until next time!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Reality
I just realized why I can't write the blogs. Why I can hardly even seem to get out of bed. This will not be a fuzzy feely entry like the rest. Don't expect one. If it turns people away then fine, so be it.
June 1 will be a year. A year since my send off which would rip myself away from my kid and the woman that, although I doubt that she still loves me, I still love. Away from everything familiar. Away from everything that mattered. Johann and Noemi. Yeah, housing and stability mattered to but not so much.
It would mark the day when she would start flipping out everyday until September when we broke up. It would mark the day when the 3 day trip to Seattle was marked with me unexpectedly breaking down in tears, the trip I would be making because of the lack of resources to provide for myself, Johann, and Noemi in Dallas. It would mark the day that Noemi lost what little faith in me that she had and she would start pushing things to the end. It marked the day that for about six months I was unstable. Hell; I'm still unstable.
It would also mark the day when human touch would end for the most part. The day I essentially became an untouchable again. The day when I became not good enough. The day that Broke me.
It would mark the day when I would learn completely why my grandmother never mingled us with the rest of the family. What she protected us from. The day I would begin to learn that I truly have no family, no people, nobody I can truly reach out to.
The purpose of this blog was to focus on the positives of my life. To try to make a turn around in my mentality. To focus on what is bright about my life and where I am going. However; it's important that there is a balance to. The truth is, in three days it will mark when I started to be not good enough again, not that I ever was. The beginning when I would fully realize that I have led a life in which I do not fit; and truthfully probably never will.
I may focus on the positives in most of my blogs and because of the purpose of this blog I probably will in future blogs. However; the truth is I am not happy. I have not been happy for a very long time. I probably will not be happy for a very long time yet. I am tired. I have been fighting not only for my life since I was 32 but trying to figure out how to live. A man gets tired of fighting after awhile.
I have days where I am alright. Truth is most days I am depressed but deal with it. However; I also have days when I feel like sleeping for the rest of my life and never getting up. The truth is, to a great degree now I fight and scrape not because I truly want to now but to a great degree because I know nothing else. I see no permanent improvement in my life. Because I never got over Noemi I self sabotage all hopes of a healthy relationship without even trying. She and Johann were the reasons I was striving, the reasons I came to this God forsaken town of disrespect and malice in the first damn place. Now she is no longer a reality relationship wise (unless things change in that department and I doubt they will) and if history is any teacher Johann is soon to follow.
No, I am not happy. As I said, I don't see myself happy for a very long time if ever. I'm sorry that this is not one of the fuzzy fluffy entries. I'm not in a fuzzy fluffy mood.
June 1 will be a year. A year since my send off which would rip myself away from my kid and the woman that, although I doubt that she still loves me, I still love. Away from everything familiar. Away from everything that mattered. Johann and Noemi. Yeah, housing and stability mattered to but not so much.
It would mark the day when she would start flipping out everyday until September when we broke up. It would mark the day when the 3 day trip to Seattle was marked with me unexpectedly breaking down in tears, the trip I would be making because of the lack of resources to provide for myself, Johann, and Noemi in Dallas. It would mark the day that Noemi lost what little faith in me that she had and she would start pushing things to the end. It marked the day that for about six months I was unstable. Hell; I'm still unstable.
It would also mark the day when human touch would end for the most part. The day I essentially became an untouchable again. The day when I became not good enough. The day that Broke me.
It would mark the day when I would learn completely why my grandmother never mingled us with the rest of the family. What she protected us from. The day I would begin to learn that I truly have no family, no people, nobody I can truly reach out to.
The purpose of this blog was to focus on the positives of my life. To try to make a turn around in my mentality. To focus on what is bright about my life and where I am going. However; it's important that there is a balance to. The truth is, in three days it will mark when I started to be not good enough again, not that I ever was. The beginning when I would fully realize that I have led a life in which I do not fit; and truthfully probably never will.
I may focus on the positives in most of my blogs and because of the purpose of this blog I probably will in future blogs. However; the truth is I am not happy. I have not been happy for a very long time. I probably will not be happy for a very long time yet. I am tired. I have been fighting not only for my life since I was 32 but trying to figure out how to live. A man gets tired of fighting after awhile.
I have days where I am alright. Truth is most days I am depressed but deal with it. However; I also have days when I feel like sleeping for the rest of my life and never getting up. The truth is, to a great degree now I fight and scrape not because I truly want to now but to a great degree because I know nothing else. I see no permanent improvement in my life. Because I never got over Noemi I self sabotage all hopes of a healthy relationship without even trying. She and Johann were the reasons I was striving, the reasons I came to this God forsaken town of disrespect and malice in the first damn place. Now she is no longer a reality relationship wise (unless things change in that department and I doubt they will) and if history is any teacher Johann is soon to follow.
No, I am not happy. As I said, I don't see myself happy for a very long time if ever. I'm sorry that this is not one of the fuzzy fluffy entries. I'm not in a fuzzy fluffy mood.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Appologies 2
I know that I have promised a blog. However; I have been SO busy. I will post tom,orrow though. Apologies again for the inconvenience.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Apologies
I know that I promised a post tonight. However, I forgot that the computer room closes at 10:00 tonight. Therefore; I will have to write it tonight and post it tomorrow. It'll be timed and dated tonight though. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Settling in
Well... Had my first meeting with my caseworker today. Interesting. I need 3 forms of documentation that prove I was not receiving income upon entering the compass center. From worksource (those of you from Texas will know it better as the Workforce Commission), DSHS, and Social Security. I will probably end up getting the letter from DSHS tomorrow since the one from Social Security will prove to be a pain and I have a meeting with a substance abuse counselor tomorrow at 1:00. Yes, so many hoops to jump through my first week. However; I've come WAY too far to stop now. I was assured that it sounds much more painful than it actually is. Lets hope that is the case.
On the brighter side; I have started arrangements to get an appointment to see the dentists. I hate the idea of the long needle; but, I know that it needs to come out. It's not hurting right now; but, will eventually. I will brave my fear of needles and do what I need to do. Also; I caught a bit of flak last night for using my own phone number. Since I am coming in after cerfew hours I have to tell them where I'm going yadda yaddda ya. Should be eased up on tomorrow though when I submit my school schedule.
On the even brighter side, you are now looking at the new employee of the First Presbyterian Church of Seattle. It all started last Sunday when I helped out in the kitchen. The Holy Spirit told me I needed to check out what was going on; so I did. Turned out there were two ladies, one of their husbands, and a new member; woking their tails off woefully behind schedule. For details refer to http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6338136428812215737#editor/target=post;postID=63839147127919324;onPublishedMenu=overview;onClosedMenu=overview;postNum=3;src=postname . Anyways; the head of operations was extremely impressed to say the least. He also has many of my views towards food service and plans to make some changes, some more dramatic than others, that I actually like.
Just Finished writing chapter 3 in Illegal Refugees and should start typing it soon. Those of you that don't know; it's being released chapter by chapter at anglasia.blogspot.com . I will try to make this the last complication of the story; but, I've heard no complaints yet.
On the brighter side; I have started arrangements to get an appointment to see the dentists. I hate the idea of the long needle; but, I know that it needs to come out. It's not hurting right now; but, will eventually. I will brave my fear of needles and do what I need to do. Also; I caught a bit of flak last night for using my own phone number. Since I am coming in after cerfew hours I have to tell them where I'm going yadda yaddda ya. Should be eased up on tomorrow though when I submit my school schedule.
On the even brighter side, you are now looking at the new employee of the First Presbyterian Church of Seattle. It all started last Sunday when I helped out in the kitchen. The Holy Spirit told me I needed to check out what was going on; so I did. Turned out there were two ladies, one of their husbands, and a new member; woking their tails off woefully behind schedule. For details refer to http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6338136428812215737#editor/target=post;postID=63839147127919324;onPublishedMenu=overview;onClosedMenu=overview;postNum=3;src=postname . Anyways; the head of operations was extremely impressed to say the least. He also has many of my views towards food service and plans to make some changes, some more dramatic than others, that I actually like.
Just Finished writing chapter 3 in Illegal Refugees and should start typing it soon. Those of you that don't know; it's being released chapter by chapter at anglasia.blogspot.com . I will try to make this the last complication of the story; but, I've heard no complaints yet.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Firtst Wakeup
Well... First morning at the Compass Center. Getting used to the new environment. Hell; getting used to being crodial before my first cup of coffee.
Pretty nice people so far. Welcoming. They give me my space; but, not too much. And yes; I'm writing this while working on my morning coffee.
Woke up around 8:30-9:00. Apparently my body is just used to waking up early. I gotta work on that-- or not. Haven't decided yet.
My whole body actually wasn't hurting when I got up. That's a VERY nice change of pace. Also forgot to make the bed. Oh well; I really do have to work on that.
Pretty nice people so far. Welcoming. They give me my space; but, not too much. And yes; I'm writing this while working on my morning coffee.
Woke up around 8:30-9:00. Apparently my body is just used to waking up early. I gotta work on that-- or not. Haven't decided yet.
My whole body actually wasn't hurting when I got up. That's a VERY nice change of pace. Also forgot to make the bed. Oh well; I really do have to work on that.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Finally! The bed!
Well.... I'm in! I am now a member of the Compass Center Pioneer Square Men's Program! And yes, I'm still trying to absorb all that. Bed, dresser, all that! Movin' on up!
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